WooingTheFairy
by xovickixo
Summary: Puck has never claimed to be an expert at wooing or anything but he's pretty sure getting into Kurt's pants should be easier than this. With a little help from some not-so-legally obtained AV property and Brittany, Puck thinks he may be well on his way.


**Title:** W(ooing)T(he)F(airy) aka How To Successfully Woo A Dude Who May Not Be All That In To You (but probably totally is because, seriously, have you seen my guns?)  
**Genre:** Crackish RomCom  
**Spoilers:** Ehh, season 1? This takes place in some mystical place in the beginning of the second season.

**Disclaimer:** I clearly do not own anything within...props to Ryan Murphy and such.**  
**

_**A.N.** I feel like I should point out that anyone who's familiar with my work (and clicking on this solely because it's a new posting from me) may wanna run far, far away from this. It is slash and it is rated M for a reason._

.

Puck pinpointed the moment that his 'interest' in Kurt turned from _what the hell is that little fag up to now?_ to _damn he'd look good bent over that piano_.

Puck knew Kurt had large feet. He did. They'd swapped out shoes for their Glee performances a few times by accident, much to Kurt's (disgusted) anger. And he recalls his distraction by the Gaga heels Kurt had strutted about in for that week last year. And, sure, maybe it's a little cliché that he found himself staring at Kurt's naked body and thinking _damn_ but there you have it. Damn with a huge amount of _holy shit_.

Of course, as if the whole ordeal wasn't bad enough as is, Kurt had noticed Puck's distraction and had called him out on it.

"What the hell do you want, Puckerman? Stop staring at my dick!"

And dude! _Dude_! What the hell else was he supposed to do? "Please, you know I love it." What? "_You_ love it. You know you love it..." Jesus, correcting himself just made it all ten times worse. Puck risked a glance up to see if Kurt was going to call him out on it but his head was angled under the shower spray and he was washing the last of his shampoo from his hair.

Jesus fuck, he's _staring_ again. What the hell is wrong with him? Puck's still a little distracted, is all, by the fact that prissy little Kurt Hummel actually uttered the word "dick".

Shit, he's gotta stop looking at the guy's junk. "Walk away, Puckerman," he mumbles to himself and then quickly follows through.

And, ok, maybe this wasn't exactly the first time Puck had found his interest, y'know, _piqued_ by Kurt. He blames this whole letting-all-his-carefully-110%-macho-walls-down thing on the fact that he saw Kurt Hummel's dick.

Puck recalls that the first time he actually noticed Kurt he'd seen his smile first.

(Yeah, that's right, Puck's blaming the dick he just saw now on the fact that he'd been a little taken by a smile he'd seen, like, forever ago. A butterfly farted or something, shut up.)

Two hours after he'd first noticed Kurt he'd seen the oblivious teen walking down the hall. This time he'd caught notice of Kurt's bright blue/grey eyes. It was the first time he body chucked the other teen into a locker. Because Puck? He was a dude and dudes didn't show interest, accidental or not, for another dude, no matter how gay that other dude.

Though, Puck admits, Kurt hadn't been a screaming queen back than. He'd been pretty low key, probably trying to be all wallflowery and junk. (Probably trying to keep guys like Puck himself from picking on him.) Puck wonders briefly if it's his fault that Kurt went from 4 to a flaming 11 on the gay scale of 10.

He also wonders how he himself ranks on the bi scale. Which leads him to wonder if his man crush on Jason Statham is more gay than his man crush on Kurt. Because Statham is a total macho dude's dude while Kurt, at least, can lean towards the fem at times and, really, his voice alone...

Shit. Puck turns and sidekicks one of the lockers. And then quickly turns to glance back towards the showers (and Kurt) and makes a beeline for the doors.

Shit.

Puck misses those macho walls he'd constructed around himself and his _feelings_. Suddenly he sees some guy's junk and he's all admitting to himself that he has (and has had (since the first time he saw the dude smile(holy fuck, _so gay_!))) a crush on him.

Shit.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Puck spends two days smiling and making small talk and shoving would-be-bullies out of the way. But Kurt seems oblivious to it. And, seriously, all this nice shit? It was just bringing Puck down. If anything, all his careful schmaltzing is just making Kurt all the more awkward around him. Puck is pretty sure Kurt just isn't _getting it_.

Which obviously means Puck has to step his game up.

Perhaps he'd been wrong in figuring the virginal Kurt Hummel should be wooed virgin style. But Kurt is, y'know, a dude and Puck really doesn't know how to factor that into his normal game. Puck figures maybe he ought to pull out some good old fashioned moves. Maybe he ought to treat Kurt with the same moves he saves for his big ticket wins.

The problem is Kurt is prissy in a way that even Santana and Quinn aren't. Puck can imagine scorn from Santana if she'd ever gotten flowers from a suitor and Quinn would probably be all touched and stuff if it was the right suitor but Kurt? All Puck can picture is a curl of the lip and a disdainful "$20 flowers? Don't I feel _special._" And then Puck remembers the word 'dick' rolling off Kurt's tongue and imagines him grinding the flowers under his ridiculously overpriced boots and shouting "Who the hell gives boys flowers?"

Apparently Puck is the type of person to give boys flowers. Or, at least, a flower. And maybe not so much give as tape it to his locker. Puck's pretty sure surprises and subtle wooing are one in the same.

Puck watches from down the hall as Kurt slows in front of his locker. He watches the slight hesitation as Kurt reaches out and pulls the flower free.

Puck then watches as Kurt gives a little head tilt before pinning the flower to the locker next to his.

God dammit.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The next day Puck leaves his house earlier than normal in the morning and manages to be waiting at Kurt's locker with an oversized and overpriced fancy coffee from Starbucks in hand before the other teen arrives for the day.

Kurt approaches hesitantly and keeps giving Puck side glances. "Look, I knew the day would come when yous would grow tired of slushies but a hot beverage will _scald_ me. And my complexion? I can't-"

"What? Dude, no! I...I," Puck jerks away from the lockers as Kurt quickly spins away and starts down the hallway. "Kurt, c'mon!" Puck calls out as he catches up to the other teen quickly. "I, uh, I got this for you. Here."

Kurt takes the offered drink and three steps later is throwing it into a trash bin.

"Dude! What the hell? That crap cost me $5!"

"Oh, please," Kurt says, swinging around to face Puck. He gets into his bitch stance before speaking again. "As if that latte didn't have spit or pee or worse in it."

Puck's still slightly distracted by Kurt. Those hands on his jutted hip and his head tilted up just enough to properly look down ones nose at someone. Being attracted to bitches is something he should really look into. "Your froofy drink was fine," Puck says finally when Kurt's words fully settle. Puck's pretty sure the slight bit of hurt the accusation causes (however much he may deserve it) doesn't seep into voice. "I didn't do shit to it, I was trying to be nice. You're welcome, by the way."

There's some flicker of emotion on Kurt's face momentarily that Puck couldn't even pretend to get before he's turning around and walking away again.

Puck can do this. To hell with subtleties all together. Kurt's a dude and so is he. "Wanna see a movie tonight?"

That causes Kurt to stop in his tracks. Puck's about to congratulate himself when Kurt starts talking again. "This nice thing? It's creepy. Stop."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

A week later, as Puck is pretty much palming his erection through his jeans while he watches Kurt run dance moves with Mike, it suddenly occurs to him exactly how he needs to go about wooing his little fairy.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Kurt nearly ignores the CD as he pulls his Lit books out of the locker bright and early Tuesday morning. The only reason he pays any attention to the disc is the words written in a hand that is definitely not his own. Picking up what he assumed was a random mix of music he discovers it's a recordable DVD with two words in blocky, black sharpie saying: WATCH ME.

"Watch you what, idiot?" Kurt mutters as he tucks the DVD into his bag.

He knows there's no way for the disc to physically harm him. And he's pretty sure none of the neanderthals would have discovered how to put a virus onto the disc. And, honestly, he's a little curious at this newest turn in Torment The Gay Kid.

So next period he finds himself nearly alone in the library with his laptop in front of him. He casts a quick glance around the library, sure one of the jocks is following him in hopes of watching Kurt's reaction, before slipping the DVD into his laptop. The only thing on the disc is an unimaginatively named movie file called 'watchme'.

Kurt has the file opened and playing before he can even properly steel himself against whatever new bullying the jocks have moved onto. What appears to be an empty bedroom fills Kurt's screen. He supposes it's a little better that this video threat is being filmed in the privacy of someone's home apposed to on the football field.

Someone finally walks into frame but they're standing far too close to the camera because all Kurt can see is the bottom strip of a brown tee-shirt and jeans. Kurt realizes it's going to be one of those videos. Someone who's too chicken to actually show their face and identify themselves. This is barely a step up from the cowardly anonymous phone calls the Hummels receive randomly.

Hands come into frame and tug the tee-shirt up and off. Honestly? Is the muscled buffoon going to flex his muscles while talking about the awesome beating he's planning on giving Kurt?

Kurt's about to reach forward to skip the video to the hateful speech he knows is coming when suddenly those hands are back on the screen and this time they're unzipping the jeans and pulling out a half hard erection.

Kurt lets out a sound of shock and quickly slams his laptop shut. "What the _fuck_?"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The laptop is not opened again until Kurt is safely locked in his bedroom later that night and it's after midnight and he knows his father is asleep.

It's the same opening when Kurt reloads the file. Some guy is still pulling a tee-shirt off, still far too close to the camera for Kurt to see anything more than a thin strip of tanned, muscled abdomen. And just like before, because it turns out Kurt wasn't hallucinating, the guy brings his tanned hands down to his zipper.

Oh, this is torture! This is some messed up shit! Who the hell would send him porn?

Kurt realizes he's stopped breathing when he tries to hitch his breath at the sight of the guy stroking himself a few times...and so much for the guy being merely half hard.

Kurt's so ridiculously confused at this moment that he wishes the video actually _was_ the stocky frame - fully clothed, stocky frame, Kurt's mind supplies - of Karofsky telling him how he was going to beat Kurt down with his hockey stick the next time he managed to catch him alone.

The guy on screen has apparently started to speak and it's loud volume in the deadly silent room causes Kurt to lurch forward with the intent to kill the sound. His finger is hovering over the mute button when the deep voice groans out his name. There through the laptop's speakers is the guy groaning "-Kurt. Can't help myself. Spend all the fucking time watching your hot ass in those fancy designer pants of yours. Don't know why you even bother with pants...they're so fucking tight on you. Wanna rip them off and just _look_."

There's a good chance that Kurt may start hyperventilating. He has his hands latched over his mouth to keep the litanies of "what the fuck?" from escaping. And before Kurt has any chance of collecting himself the guy is stepping back away from the camera and slowly revealing himself fully. Kurt can barely form a complete thought over the guy's amazing biceps when the guy seats himself on the bed.

And suddenly the guy is not simply The Guy. The Guy is quite clearly Puck.

It's Noah fucking Puckerman who's propped up on his bed and staring into the camera and jerking himself off and saying "I want your cock, Kurt. I wanna watch you peel away those pants and I wanna watch you get hard. I wanna touch you, Kurt. Fuck, Kurt, _fuck_. I wanna taste you. Never wanted to taste another guy so fucking bad before."

Kurt's body has apparently managed to get over the shock much quicker than his brain has because before Puck is even saying what he wants to do with his tongue Kurt has his hand down his pants and has completely ruined a perfectly good pair of boxer briefs.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Kurt's watched the video three times - from start to glorious finish, nearly 50 minutes in length - and has come more times than he cares to admit before it fully sinks in that this is _real_. The possibility of this being some elaborate prank on Puck's behalf is slim to none because this is just far too much out of his league.

No this actually all happened on purpose.

This is Puck putting on a show for him. This is him talking about all the things he wants to do to him. This is Puck talking about how much he "wants to get with" Kurt.

And not just "get with" but date. _Date!_

In the video, after Puck brings himself off the first time, he's all flushed face and slouching back against his headboard as he lazily strokes his soft flesh and talking in a voice that's nearly slurred from exertion. A soft voice that's saying he's only ever wanted to date a small handful of people before, that he's usually more than happy to just fuck around but that Kurt's caught his interest. Puck talks lazily about the movies and shared popcorn, talks about how lame the restaurants Lima has to offer are and how he wants to hear Kurt bitch about their crappy quality. Puck rambles on about all these plausible dates all while stroking himself back to hardness and after nearly 15 minutes he's back to the movie theater and this time he's groaning about all the things they could do to each other under the cover of dark.

It explains, Kurt guesses, y'know, in theory, all those looks he'd caught Puck giving him. It explains the jocks he'd shoved out of Kurt's way and threatened. It explains the snacks he'd given Kurt at random times throughout the day. It explains the sincerely asked questions like "How y'doing today?"

Except that it _totally doesn't_!

"What the fuck?" Kurt whines quietly to himself. And before he realizes what's happening he's starting the video a fourth time and squirting more KY into his hand just before wrapping his fingers around himself again.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Kurt's watched the video; Puck is positive of this. While the pair have long since moved on from their bully-er and bully-ee stage...and ok so they aren't exactly friends at this point or anything but Kurt has never made a point of so blatantly ignoring Puck's presence.

Its been three days since Puck's left the DVD for Kurt.

Puck has been walked past. Puck has been dodged thanks to convenient corners and large crowds and empty classrooms that annoyingly lock from the inside. He's even had the pleasure of banging on the janitor's door and yelling out "seriously, Hummel, a _closet_? You're hiding in a closet?"

Kurt's being super avoidy and Puck really wants to push it but he's a little worried of pushing too hard.

Kurt's a little more relaxed in Glee but Puck's sure that's only 'cause he thinks Puck won't call him out on the whole why-are-you-ignoring-me-after-I-sent-you-a-smokin'-gay-sex-tape thing. Kurt is right, unfortunately, but all his ignoring is honestly wearing Puck down. And while Puck is nearly to the point where he doesn't care if everyone knows he wants to bone Kurt, he's still kinda wary of the sex tape angle. Which he knows makes no sense but whatever.

Puck's made the decision to skip his first class of the day and stalk out Kurt's locker. He's going to have to come around here eventually. Especially because he avoided his locker when he first got to school.

"Hey, Puck."

Puck glances up to see Brittany standing in front of him, he acknowledges her with a brief nod before going back to staring down the hallway.

Brittany moves in closer and leans back against the locker next to Puck. "Kurt's already been and gone. And plus, he's asked for me to text him whenever I see you, except when we're in Glee because all the texting annoys Mr. Schue and Kurt too. See?"

"What?" Puck grabs at her phone and stares at the picture message Brittany had apparently sent Kurt like 5 seconds ago. "He's _avoiding_ me?" Puck knew he was being avoided but he didn't realize Kurt had called in reinforcements.

"I guess. He was acting kinda weird about it."

"Weird? Good weird or bad weird?

"Just the regular weird," Brittany explains, grabbing her phone back and squeezing in next to Puck. She gives a blinding smile and snaps another photo. With her phone tucked away again, Brittany looks back up to Puck and asks, "You're not being mean to him again, are you?"

"Nah, I sent him a sex tape."

"Sex tapes are super hot."

"Right?" Brittany is totally cool. She _gets it_. And if she wasn't a bigger slut than Puck was and wasn't more clueless than Finn half the time (and wasn't Santana's("Don't touch, asshole.")) then Puck is pretty sure she'd be the best girlfriend ever. "I don't think he liked it though."

"I think he super liked it," Brittany declared. "I think that's why he was acting weird because of his pants."

"His pants?"

Brittany motions down at his crotch. "Y'know, when you get super happy and it makes your pants fit all weird and you walk like you have something stuck up your bum?" She pauses and grins over at him. "You're totally thinking about Kurt's bum right now, aren't you?"

Puck decides to ignore the rather sly grin Brittany was sending him. "So do you think he likes me?" Aw, shit, he did not just ask that. He is so glad this conversation is going down with Brittany because no one is nice enough to let him ever live saying something like that down.

"I think you should send him your penis. But, like, _just_ your penis so you don't scare him away. Kurt's like a little bunny, you gotta ease him into this stuff."

"_Just_ my dick?" Puck cringes and scoots a few inches away from the eager looking blonde.

"Uh huh, Santana and me wanted to have a threesome with that singer guy without actually having sex with him so we sent him this arts and craft kit that makes penises so he could just mail it to us. We included a self addressed stamped envelope. I think next Wednesday is our lucky day."

Puck is really curious about this 'singer guy' but the arts and craft comment may be a little more important. "You mean like a dildo?"

"Dildos are my favorite type of bird."

"What?"

"I should go find my desk now," Brittany says suddenly as she pulls out her school map.

"Wait, where'd you and San buy the kit?"

"They sell them at the pretty jewelery store."

"The jewelery store?"

"Yeah, the one that sells the pretty anal beads. I bet Kurt would look super fine with a set of the sparkly red ones."

Puck has to adjust his jeans as Brittany drifts down the hall. She isn't wrong.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Because his geography class is a total waste of time, Puck finds himself standing in a sex shop in Van Buren at 10:20 in the morning.

It took a few minutes of just standing there and gaping, and probably looking like a total pussy, before Puck collected himself and sauntered towards the sales clerk. A bizarrely shaped green thing caught his eye and he slowed. He tilts his head before deciding he has absolutely no idea where, how or why someone would use it and continues towards the main counter.

"Hey, you guys have those make your own dildo sets?"

The clerk barely looks up from what Puck's pretty sure is some creepy fetish magazine. "Fourth isle, near the nipple clamps, kid."

The kit is pretty easy to find and totally tacky looking. Flipping the box over Puck reads the instructions. Mix up the molding shit, stick your dick into a tube, wait for molding shit to dry, pull out dick, pour in rubber, wait for rubber to dry and then pull out the Puckster version 2.0.

Puck eyes the Clone-a-Willy set for a moment, if only because the name makes him smirk, but it's a bit more money and he's pretty sure rubber is rubber.

Taking a round-about way back to the cash, Puck takes in all the sights. It was kinda sad to realize how many lonely people there must be in-

A metal studded whip catches his eye.

And hella kinky too! Shit. And ow!

He's quickly distracted by the huge variety of vibrators. Every color, size and make imaginable.

Vibrators, Puck scoffed. During those few months that Santana and him actually officially dated she threatened him on a weekly basis of dumping him for her vibrator. Though, looking back he can't help but wonder how much Brittany played into that. Well, that and Santana just being a bitch on a power play.

So, Puck would be a total liar if he said he hadn't thought, maybe, possibly, a few times in the last couple of weeks of, maybe, possibly, the stuff Kurt could do to him with his dick. And maybe, possibly those things - _that_ thing - didn't sound too bad. It sounded, maybe, possibly, kinda really hot.

Puck picked up a package containing a slim vibrator barely the thickness of two fingers. He'd taken larger dumps so it couldn't hurt _that_ bad. It wouldn't hurt to, y'know, try at least, right?

Yeah, Puck was so going to make another video tonight after he finished molding Kurt a dildo out of his own cock. Making Kurt his was all but a done deal.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Puck breaks into Kurt's locker during fourth period the next day to leave his gift. It takes everything in him to not proudly prop the dildo up so it's the first thing Kurt sees when he opens his locker up. Puck knows the bad shit that would go down if any of his fellow jocks caught sight of it. So he tucks it to the side, all hygienically sealed, and places his newest porn masterpiece and a note along with it.

Watch me. Use me. Call me.

Puck doesn't care which order Kurt uses his gifts but he has his fingers crossed that Kurt is going to be generous enough to do all three at once.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Kurt doesn't show up to school the next day.

Puck has to admit he's a little terrified by the possibility of Kurt taking his gifts down to the police station and crying sexual harassment. And while Puck has talked himself out of lots of shit where the police are involved Kurt has in his possession two discs containing a near total of two hours of a naked Puck jerking himself off and using a slim vibrator on himself while he spews forth the dirtiest commentary in the existence of ever while repeatedly saying Kurt's name. He also has a carbon copy of Puck's cock in dildo form which Puck pretty much assumes is just as good as finger prints...which, yup, Kurt totally has some of those too. So, yeah, there's no way he's talking himself outta that shit.

The other option, of course, is that Kurt's spent the day holed up in his room fucking himself on Puck's rubber cock. And as hot as fuck as that image is Puck's pretty sure that's not what's going down.

He pulls his cellphone out again. Nothing. Not even a text.

The little bitch is totally blowing him off. And not even in the good way.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Kurt does show up to school the next day. And it's right back to the attitude he'd done the day after Puck left him the first DVD.

And that?

That shit is not cool. Those DVDs are fucking gold. Gold. It's personalized and one on one and Puck's sure there's shit on those discs that'd make an actual seasoned porn star blush.

On the last disc alone Puck spends nearly 15 minutes begging for Kurt's cock. Puck's never begged for anything when it comes to sex least of all for some guy to shove their dick up his ass.

Puck catches a brief glimpse of Kurt darting around the corner in front of him and decides to just go for it. The crap he's toting around gets tossed to the ground because he is Puck and he is badass (pathetic mooning for Kurt aside) and no one is going to mess with his stuff. A quick sprint later brings him a few feet shy of Kurt.

Calling out his name, Puck watches as the other teen freezes up and goes still. Puck barely has time to realize Kurt is reacting worse to this moment than any time he'd call him out by the dumpsters before Kurt is calmly turning and walking into the principal's office.

Puck snorts, he may hate on authority but threat of Figgins isn't about to scare him off. "Kurt. Kurt?"

The secretary glares over at Puck as she motions Kurt towards the chairs. Kurt seats himself and stares blankly at the wall in front of him.

Growling, Puck slams out of the office and plows through any of his fellow classmates who are stupid enough to not get out of his way.

Kurt can go fuck himself if he's planning on not even acknowledging Puck's existence! That shit is so not cool!

The least the little bitch could do is tell Puck he's not interested.

Puck is tempted to storm back up to Kurt and demand he return the dildo he gave to him.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Their day closes with Glee club and Puck is sorely tempted to skip it so he doesn't have to be around the little bitch. But he doesn't want to give Kurt the satisfaction. No, he's going to go to Glee and he's going to spend the whole time glaring and snarling in Kurt's direction.

The room is nearly empty, save Mike and Tina who barely earn themselves a nod, when Puck shows up. Ok, he needs a primo glaring location. Nice and centralized so it doesn't matter where the little bitch sits. He needs to be able to not hide from Puck's wrath.

The second to last row seems like the best option. Puck ignores Mike's questions and shoves a few of the seats out of the way up in the back row, just in case Kurt figures he can cower behind him.

Kurt swings into the room moments after Puck's seated himself. Puck nearly forgets to glare when Kurt meets his gaze and starts towards him. The overpriced leather bag that Kurt normally treats like his child ("Don't touch it! You'll scuff it!") gets tossed to the floor beside Puck and Puck allows his confusion over the action to capture his attention.

He barely has time to affix his practiced scowl on his face when he suddenly finds himself with a lap full of Kurt Hummel. He also finds that Kurt apparently has other plans for Puck's mouth that, holy shit, are way better than scowling. The shock of the other teen in his lap is just letting up enough for Puck's brain to remind him about the fact that he's also being made out with and he should totally be going for it instead of just sitting there dumbly like some chess club dweeb.

Of course it's the moment that Puck goes to make his move that Kurt pulls back enough to pant again his mouth. "Holy Versace, that was the hottest damn thing I've ever seen. Oh, god. And I've seen a lot of porn. You were so hot, Noah. So hot," Kurt whimpers before devouring his mouth again.

Puck has a moment to remind himself that Tina and Mike are still sitting a few seats down from him and that the rest of the club is going to start trickling in at any moment when Kurt manages to work his hand into Puck's jeans. And Puck? Yeah, Puck could care less who's getting a free show out of them.

When he grabs Kurt's ass to pull him closer and jerks his own hips up, Tina lets out a loud noise.

At least Puck hopes that high pitched keening came from Tina and not himself.

And while Puck is worrying over his masculinity (hey, getting himself off with a vibrator while whimpering Kurt's name aside, he has to have standards _somewhere)_ Kurt's earlier words slowly seep in. "What?" Puck mumbled into Kurt's mouth. "Where...you...yesterday?" Puck manages to get out and, really, he's pretty sure he doesn't actually care as long Kurt keeps doing that thing with his hand.

Kurt pulls away from Puck's mouth with a groan as he continues grinding against Puck's crotch. "Too scared to see you," Kurt pants wetly into the crook of Puck's neck, "Knew I wouldn't be able to control myself if I saw you in the hall. God, just thinking your name yesterday got me hard. Couldn't go to school in that state."

Holy shit, Kurt totally _did_ stay home jerking off to thoughts of him! "Holy shit," Puck whines as he totally doesn't bury his nose into Kurt's hair. Focus! _Focus, focus, focus!_, Puck reminds himself. "You couldn't have at least called?" That's right, Puck can do this. He's spent weeks trying to be nice and the least Kurt could do was explain himself.

"Inarticulate doesn't even begin to explain my state after I watched that video. I tried but there was just lots of keyboard smashing involved. 'm sorry," Kurt finally whispers and places a kiss under Puck's ear. "Can we be kissing again?"

And, yeah, yeah, Puck can totally get behind that. Puck threads his fingers into Kurt's hair and draws the swollen lips back to his own.

They probably aren't sitting there dry humping all that long. Puck's vaguely aware of squawking and things banging around and voice, oh god, so many voices that just need to shut the hell up so he can properly hear all the hot little noises Kurt is making.

"Whoa! Hey! Hey, guys, you can't-!" Yeah, that's totally Schue who has some how made himself more noticeable over all the other noise in the room. The addition of loud clapping is probably what catches his attention. "Hey! Yous can't do that in here!"

Puck chuckles, imagining the clapping is Schue egging them on. And then he realizes how creepy that would be and forces himself to quiet. He gives a pathetic little whine when Kurt pulls back, apparently having finally noticed all the commotion around them.

"Wait. _Puck_ and _Kurt_?"

Kurt, as it turns out, is in no rush to move away from Puck. A flicker of annoyance passes over his face at Schue's incredulous sounding question. He glances down and carefully hooks one of his fingers into Puck's jeans. "I'm sorry Mr. Schue but we can't be here right now. We have to..."

"We have to go have sex," Puck offers.

"We do. We really do," Kurt says, still staring down at Puck's face from his perch on Puck's lap. "So, yeah, we're going to have to skip Glee today."

Puck trails his fingers along the flesh just above Kurt's pants. "For sex."

"For sex," Kurt readily agrees.

"Oh, m'lord, I think those pot cupcakes are repeating on me."

Puck carefully lifts Kurt out of his lap. Leaning forward he presses a quick kiss to Kurt's mouth and is rewarded with a smile. Oh, yeah, this is totally going down. Bending over, Puck quickly snags his and Kurt's things from the floor before rising and slinging an arm over Kurt's shoulder.

As they step off the risers, Kurt says, "'Cedes can take notes for me."

"Exactly, same for me. And Berry can totally have that solo there you have for Kurt." Puck notices the hitch in Kurt's step instantly and turns to look at him with a raised brow.

"R-right. Yes. But just this one time!" Kurt spins around and jabs a finger in Rachel's direction, "You are so lucky I'm a teenaged boy! And you, Noah Puckerman, better see this great sacrifice on my behalf as sufficient enough of an apology for me ignoring you because if you think I'm actually apologizing to you you're stupider than I thought."

"Wow, that was like hot to cold in thirty seconds." Puck can already tell Kurt's going to be more of a handful then a few of those menopausing MILFs from his past.

"Whatever. Come along, Noah, or I won't bother with you. Because, thanks to you, I don't actually need _you_ there to have you."

Puck just snorts and curls his arm back around Kurt and starts them towards the door again. "So, I'm Noah now, huh?"

"Mmm, well I certainly don't plan on dating someone named Puck. Though I suspect it'll come out from time to time in the heat of the moment."

"Oh, you _suspect_, huh? You totally already know what - you didn't even think to film any of it, did you? Such a bitch."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The Glee Club stares after the pair as they walk out the door.

They can just make out Puck cracking a 'coming' joke when Rachel breaks the silence. "What the fuck?"

"Rachel, language!" Mr. Schuester scolds automatically. "Ok, well maybe this warranted that."

Mercedes, who is still standing just within the door with her hands covering her mouth, nods.

"Sorry, sorry! I'm here now!" Finn hollers as he skids into the room. Smiling, he asks, "What'd I miss?"

"Puck and Kurt left to make sweet gay babies together. I totally bet Puck is gonna give Kurt a pretty pearl necklace. I think he'll really like it," Brittany smiles when Santana reaches over and squeezes her knee. "Is it singing and dancing time now?"

:  
Fin  
:


End file.
